Because We Love Each Other, Damn It.

The day started out so well. Rather than getting any or all of us up at the crack of dawn, she let us sleep in and played with the doll house in her room instead. Once I realized this, I wished I had just stayed in bed and gotten a few more minutes of sleep, but oh well.

I was hoping it was some sort of a positive sign that we were going to have a good day. The past four had been challenging (to say the very least), and we desperately needed a good day. That lovely 3 year old stage that everyone had been talking about finally arrived at our house and after a few days of constant frustration on everyone's part, we really could have used a day free of conflict. It was Valentines Day, after all.

Things were mostly ok as we went through our morning routine, although there might have been 2 lectures about saying "please", and a 3rd about listening and doing as she is told. There was tension, but we made it to school mostly without incident.

And that's where it officially went downhill with the most epically bad drop off we've ever had at school. Fortunately, the substitute teacher she had today handled it like a pro. Even so, it capped off so much frustration from the past couple days that I came home, sat down, and cried for a while. I was tired of the constant power struggle and just wanted my sweet little girl back. I might have also called my mother to vent....and found out that my sister had done the same a few minutes earlier. It was taking a toll on all of us.

I managed to pull it together to go back for her class Valentines Day party and went in bracing myself for the next meltdown. I was relieved when we escaped after the party, relatively unscathed.

I still wasn't in the best of moods, but I decided that we all needed a pick-me-up. I was going to fake the whole cutesy Valentines Day thing even if I didn't feel like it. Eva helped me pick out some decorations and gifts, and then helped set everything up. She also helped me make and decorate cookies.

Our efforts led to just the boost in spirits that we all needed so badly. It made the day feel special and reminded us what it is supposed to be about. The best part was that I got to have fun with my daughter again and watch all of her excitement as she went through her valentines from school and her cards and presents from family.

It was a good evening. Even the animals seemed to be a little more relaxed. Here's hoping it's the beginning of an upward trend, even if it only lasts for a day or two.

Happy Valentines Day, everyone! Hope you all felt some love today in your lives, in any form.

The beginning stages of our decorating mission.

Looking festive.

One of my lovely roses.

Flowers for Kees too.

Cookies!

Her Valentines present from me. It's the version of "Guess How Much I Love You" that you record yourself reading. I hate having to hear my own voice over and over, but she seems to love her present.

For This I Am Grateful Friday

• That Eva absolutely loved her ballet class and did very well in it. Looks like we have a winner. More on that soon.
• For the breakthrough I posted about yesterday and my return to the pool. I'm trying to work in some time to swim laps once a week now.
• That our dinner out this evening turned what had been an aggravating day around for me. Sangria might have also played a role in this.
• For a husband who surprised me with chocolate this evening, just to finish off any lingering stress.
• For a weekend with little planned besides time with each other, time at the gym, and a very rare date night. Bring it!

She was a little excited about her early Valentines Day presents from Grandma and Grandpa.

It Was Time

That's the only way I can explain it. It wasn't something I pushed myself to do. I knew better than to put any pressure on myself over it. It's been a long road that lead me on a 15 year journey (earlier in the week I thought it was 14 until I remembered that it's now 2011). Until about 2 years ago, I didn't even know the road existed.

While giving my sister a tour of my gym on Sunday, I stood on the deck of an indoor pool and for the first time in 15 years, was completely calm. With no flashbacks or any signs of the post-traumatic stress disorder I had been diagnosed with 2 years ago, I stood there and breathed in the smell of chlorine that I've missed so much.

Back in high school I was a swimmer, lifeguard, and swimming instructor at an indoor pool. That place was my second home and my sanctuary. I was there so much that my bosses joked with me that I should have my mail sent there. I had the best bosses in the world and worked with my friends. We referred to ourselves as a family.

But eventually it was time for some of us to move on and new guards were brought in. And that's when it all went downhill. One of them seemed to be on a mission to wreak as much havoc as possible, doing things he knew would upset our bosses, escalating the situation each time. And then one day he crossed a line that would send me into a serious tailspin.

He assaulted me. While it wasn't nearly as brutal as what so many other women out there have faced, it left a mark- mostly in the form of scrapes on my legs from being pushed down on the deck and dragged around, bruises on my hip and side from being thrown into a set of metal bleachers, and his hand print around my biceps. It took a month for the bruises to fade, which seemed like forever.

Despite being terrified of every guy on the planet, I started as a student trainer for the football team 2 weeks later. It was a Godsend. The kindness and thoughtfulness I was was shown by those guys made a deep impression. It was an experience that I really needed, and not a moment too soon. That's the only part of my senior year of high school that I remember.

I quit the swim team. I told everyone that it was because of the pain in my knees, but it was actually the flashbacks I'd have when I was there that I couldn't handle. I know that I also trained the basketball and soccer teams, but I have no memory of it. Apparently at one point I had a boyfriend named Nate. I think he played soccer and had dark hair, but that's about all I could tell you about him or our relationship. Unfortunately I had another boyfriend at the end of the school year that I wish I could say that I don't remember. Heh.

There were years of looking over my shoulder everywhere I went, afraid that he'd jump out of nowhere and attack me again, irrational as it was. Twice I was sure that I saw him and had some serious panic attacks, despite being hours from where I grew up. I lived with a lot of fear for a long, long time.

I didn't seek help because it honestly never occurred to me that it was something that a person could get past. I assumed that that's just what life was after something like that. Eventually getting diagnosed with PTSD was somewhat of a relief because it meant that it was something that I could work through. I worked through most of it in therapy, but I knew that the rest would come in time, if ever. My Body Combat (cardio kickboxing) classes were a big help too. I've found them incredibly empowering and you can guess who my target was when I started.

A few weeks ago I realized that he was no longer my "target" in class. It was now just a faceless man in front of me (With the exception of the occasional member of the Baltimore Ravens or Detroit Redwings. Ahem.). I didn't need to fight him anymore.

I always knew that the day that I could go out on an indoor pool deck like nothing ever happened, that would be it. That would mean it was over. I never put a timetable on it. I figured that it would happen whenever the stars aligned and the time was right. On Sunday afternoon, I knew that the time had come.

Last night I swam laps for the first time since high school. That 3 day wait seemed to take forever. No fear, no anxiety, no flashbacks. It wasn't about trying to prove anything or being defiant. It was just me and the water, getting reacquainted. It felt like home.

During the meditation at the end of my Body Flow (yoga/tai chi/pilates) class this morning, I envisioned myself closing a door and walking away. Nothing dramatic or highly celebratory. I just peacefully walked away. It was time.

*Please, please, please- if you have ever been the victim of a violent crime, I beg you to go and talk to a professional therapist. I can't promise you that it'll be like nothing ever happened, but with work and time life can be so much better. I'm living proof.

My Cuddlebug

One of the best parts of my Monday started at 6:45 in the morning. Eva quietly came into our room, her stuffed kitty clutched under her arm, and climbed up into bed with us. She snuggled in between us for a good 10 minutes.

It was a sweet start to the day and a bit of a surprise. Not only did she have an aunt and a set of grandparents to wake up and play with, but she's not usually the cuddling type. After about 30 seconds or so she usually gets restless and starts building forts around us with pillows.

And then she wanted to cuddle more after lunch. I wasn't sure if it had anything to do with some separation anxiety she's been having lately, but it was an easy decision to leave the dishes in the sink and spend some more quality time with my girl.

The afternoon and nap time both came and went, and I had to go in and wake her up. She had a really tough time falling asleep and then an equally hard time waking up, so I offered up yet more cuddle time while she gradually came out of that sleepy state. The puma even came up and snuggled with us.

It's days like that that remind me how little she still is. Those sweet times with her make me wish that I could keep her little forever. I know that I'm going to miss this stage with her so much once it's gone.

They were having a "camping sleepover" in their "sleeping bags."

For This I Am Grateful Friday

• This magical age of 3 wherein my daughter is all kinds of happy about helping me out in any way that she can. Today she put away all of her toys in the living room....by herself! She also thinks that putting her clean laundry away is the neatest thing ever. Feel free to lie to me and tell me she's always going to be this happy to help redd up the house. (That's right, I said "redd up.")
• That I've found my motivation to resume studying for my personal training certification. That needs to remain a priority.
• That I somehow managed to make it to the gym every day this week. Good stuff.
• That on Sunday we'll get to spend time with family and watch the Steelers play in the Super Bowl! GO STEELERS!